Going out in public today with this hair made me feel like a fraud. I got some compliments from people, and immediately felt like saying, “Please don’t think I’m actually as cool as this current hair choice may indicate.”. However, I really like having it. Way more than I thought. It feels freeing to do something that’s completely unlike me. I talked previously about my tendency to bring up my current circumstances when people talk to me, like some kind of nervous tic. Today, upon entering a store, the sales clerk said she loved my hair and I told her I just had it done yesterday. She asked if I had ever done it before, and I said, nope, first time. I was about to walk away and she went on… “What made you decide to do it?”, and out it came. “Well, I’m going through chemo in a few weeks and it is all going to fall out so I wanted something fun”. She was silent for a beat and then said, “….I want to give you a hug.”. I also inserted myself into a conversation yesterday with the woman getting her hair done next to me. I’m fairly socially awkward, as many of you already know. Or at least I feel that way, but can sometimes pass as a normal person in society. So I try to AVOID conversations in public, but for some reason, as I heard her tell the stylist she was going to be starting a pill form of chemo soon, I felt the need to say, “Oh really?? I’m starting chemo, too! That’s why I’m here, might as well do something fun, right?” She looked uncomfortable and said, “Oh no, I’m so sorry. I’m actually going to be taking a form of it for lupus, not cancer…..now I want to cry!”. I found myself back-pedaling and saying, “No! No, please don’t. I’m going to be fine! They caught it early!”, as if I had any obligation to make this person feel better about my circumstances, but then again, I did throw them out there unnecessarily into a conversation that was happening completely without me.
At least when I’m bald, people will likely just assume I have cancer and not say anything to me. Or maybe I’ll feel the need to tell them I didn’t choose to shave my head. OR maybe I’ll surprise myself and find having no hair freeing, as well. Time will tell. In the meantime, I’ll try not to make an ass of myself. No promises, though.